Expectations-the chief cause of the widening distance between any two people in a relationship,be it friendship or love or even the complex relationship that we share. You don't expect, I still care, you feel I am on the wrong path. I expect,you fail to realise,I feel maybe i expected too much. What i wanna ask of u is that when i could care so much for the smallest things to make you smile,prevent those that could take away that lovely curve on ur lips or in an xtreme case,wet your enchanting eyes,couldn't you atleast realise the shiver in my voice,the pain behind those silent talks??? Is it too much to expect or was i never allowed to!!! They say,never expect from anyone other than yourself because there are no guarantees in life and the pain of knowing that someone you expected from could not or did not do it is not too easy to handle. there are no consolations in that heart shattering moment of truth. They say,expect only of oneself, so that when you find yourself unable to accomplish what you expected, you may strive harder to achieve it and thus be spurned on the path to excellence. But I still cannot stop myself from having certain expectations. When I care for you and strive to make you smile, I expect you to honour the effort and atleast attempt a smile. When I try to keep you safe,I still expect you to try and stay out of trouble. When I put everything on hold to lend ears to your words, I expect you to speak your heart out. I donot wish you do anything for me, but tell me just, what is wrong in expecting that you accept gladly all that I do for you...
Vo chahat anjaani thi
Ek lamhe ka vo afsaana tha,
Vo dhadkan deewani thi
Ek dil mera awaara tha,
Vo ladki to begaani thi
Rishta par jaana pehchaana tha,
Aj bhi baitha rehta hu aur yahi sochta hu,
Vo waqt bhi kitna haseen tha,
Jab har raat uske khayalon ki nishani thi,
Aur har din mera shayaraana tha....
Lafz to aj bhi beh jaate hain jazbaaton ke saath,
Bas aj khushi hai saari anjaani c,
Aur mehfil ki jagah hai ye tanha maikhaana sa....
kabhi jo us shama pe jalta tha parwaana sa,
Aj thokron me rehta hai saari dunia se begaana sa
...
All my life I have been weak at this. Expressing what I really feel has never been easy for me. Most of the times I keep thinking about what the other person might feel after I express what's been brewing inside me. And most of these times I have felt that I might hurt the other person so I decided to better stay put. It isn't really that easy all the times. Sometimes what I wanted to say was too important to be hidden but still had to. Maybe that's my weakness. I would keep hurting myself at the cost of trying to keep a smile on the other person's face. But with time I have come to understand a lot different opinions about all of this. Now I know that love not expressed is no better than no love at all. If u miss someone and cannot let them know, its as good as not missing. Same is when u get hurt. If something hurts u and u cannot let it be known,u probably have no right to be hurt. If u think u cannot let the one who hurt u that they did so,u have got to be strong enough to let that past you.
All my life I have had problems with expression. The first time I had a strong feeling for someone I waited a lil too long to let it be known,so long that by the time I did it, I myself didn't know if what I wad doing was right. And that wait cost me dearly. Not that otherwise it would all have been different, but now I have no way of knowing. Just coz I waited too long to express my love. Well,whatever it was,it passed away. The second time something similar happened, I felt I had learnt from my earlier mistake well enough not to do the same again. But I was wrong again. I definitely had learnt that I had made a mistake but all to make the same 1 in a new way. This time I didn't even wait for the right time and hurried up to telling someone how I felt. And once again I paid the price. I not only failed badly in what I had gotten into but also lost a wonderful friend,never to find someone like her again.
These two mistakes were probably enough to let me know of the consequencies that I could face in both the cases,waiting too little or waiting too much.
Then u happened. U came out of nowhere and made me feel like I had never done before. Caring for u became something that I deeply enjoyed doing. Talkin to u became something without which my days seemed incomplete. Meeting u kind of became like a necessity. I cherished each and every moment spent for u,with u or thinking about u. I realised I was in love. True,deep,real,intense and something that was gonna change my life forever. But 1 thing is still the same,my weakness of expression. I cannot in any possible way let u know about how much I love you. U might (if u ever find out) wanna know why I couldn't do so. Well,just coz I feel that by letting u know I would be subjecting u to a pain that u neither deserve nor I could imagine inflicting on u. I know that u don't complement these feelings of mine. U do want to feel the love that I have for u but u have imagined in urgently head a face for that and that I m certain is not similar to mine. There is a different name to that and we both know what that is. U take me as urgently best friend and so do I. But I do feel that there is nothing wrong about falling in love with ur best friend. In fact,its the best feeling according to me. Best friends know each other so well,it would take almost a lifetime for two strangers to reach there if they wanted to be lovers. But sadly enough,i don't think that u believe the same,atleast not in my case. U even feel that I am too good at expressing,but that's just with my words,coz I know that I can play around with those words in such a way that I can say all I have in my heart and still make it almost impossible for u to understand that the 'u' in all those lines is actually u. The problem really is that I can write all this down but I cannot say it all to u. I am not that strong. I don't have the strength to c u walk away. All I can express here for now is that I do love you a lot,with all my heart but I dunno for how long I can hold onto myself. But till then all these feelings would stay buried in these words of mine. And I m gonna try my best to keep u as far away from them as possible. Coz I may have learnt from my mistakes but I still have got loads to work on to know how to proceed in the kind of scenario that I have gotten myself into. I hope that by the time I figure out a solution to my expression problem u ll bear with me.
