The memoirs...

Its getting harder for me now each day. I am not a strong person. I dunno how i am holding on to life. It has never been easy for me. This small heart of mine is too weak now. The first time i faultered,it cost me a lot,two precious years of this life. I sometimes wonder that i came out alive out of the storm that came into my life with the feelin of love for A. I kept quiet for two years,keepin my feelings from the one person whom i wanted to talk to the most in the entire world. Cannot actually tell what all it took out f me. The pain of being completely helpless in such a situation multiplied each moment,there was no consolation,nthng to relieve me of it. But somehow i got out f it alive,all battered and bruised bt still standing. Then finally i told her about it but nothing worked out,just as i had expected. We became friends,but it stopped there. I had always known that it wud be a miracle if ever we were together,though i always prayed for it. But there was somwhere,something inside of me that always told me that i was being a complete idiot but i loved being that idiot,crazily in love with someone for whom my existence would also not have mattered. Slowly and slowly i began to realise that i had to get away from this. I built a wall around me with a decision never to love anyone ever again in life. I felt it was easier to stay alone than to fall in love again. Probably i was wrong but still,it seemed possible to live easily. Them came along B. The second mistake of my life. I guess whatever happened with her was just bcoz probably my heart was on the lookout for an escape route from all the pain that i was trying to contain inside it. I overestimated its strength. But it did what it had to,to get rid of the suffering. It loved again,thinking that maybe this wud act as a pain reliever forever. Little did it know that it was just throwing caution to the winds and that the result of this too had to be similar to what had happened in the past. And it happened again. Just like i knew it would. This time the difference was that the pain came after expressing what my heart felt. For sometime after it did feel that probably all will be well and what happened was just a stumbling block. But no,the worst was to happen. And it did. The pain now was too great. What i cud not explain to this weakling was that the first disaster was my fault,whose fault was it this time. There was immense suffering,but all well hidden. Little did anyone around me know about what i was going through. I decided to revert back to my decision. The heart had now weakened too much and i knew that it wud never be able to survive any such blow again,even if its of a negligible magnitude,leave aside the chances of recovery from all of this. There was too little strength remaining within. But i had made my decision and could not back down from it at any cost. So i set out once again. This time the wall that i built was thicker and taller thought i doubt whether it was stronger. I did the best i could wid the available resources and whatever that was left of the thing called strength. Anyhow i did it. In some time the wall was in place and i felt safer. Then you came in. I started to feel happy. I felt the wekness in the heart beginning to shed. The strength started returning a lil each time. The process was slow but it was happening. But in this joy i forgot to take care of and repair the wall. Slowly and slowly it kept getting weaker but i never realised it. it was you that i shared everything with. Those lil smiles, gestures of care and affection did help to return the strength but they acted like dynamites on the wall. U always asked me to shed my decision to stay alone,to get rid of the wall. I gave you my reasons to having built it in the first place not knowing that at the same time,it was falling,brick by brick n was completely reduced to rubble in no time. That was the third biggest mistake of my life. As soon as the wall was down,the heart with the lil renewed strength found you. But it did not quite understand all that it saw. It had stayed away from love and affection for long. So it just saw what it wanted to n again did what it had to. And that was where i faultered miserably once again. Now i love you and that too so immensely like i have never done before. I tell u everything,keeping just this lil secret from u. I have my reason for this and i know that whatever happens,i have gotta hold strong now. Coz i know m a weak person.I donot have the strength to tell you what i feel because i know,even though i regained some strength for my heart,its still not strong to handle the blow that it wud get in return for telling u this. I dun have the strength to move away from you either. Whatever i do now,its gonna lead me to an end,a painful bloodshed,all mine only and by me only. So i m gonna do nothing for now n let thngs take their own course. I know that you have been wondering over my erratic behavior in d recent times. Well all this is the reason for it and i knw m never gonna let u in on any of this,but still,i thnk u wud understand if u knew.