Expectations...

Expectations-the chief cause of the widening distance between any two people in a relationship,be it friendship or love or even the complex relationship that we share. You don't expect, I still care, you feel I am on the wrong path. I expect,you fail to realise,I feel maybe i expected too much. What i wanna ask of u is that when i could care so much for the smallest things to make you smile,prevent those that could take away that lovely curve on ur lips or in an xtreme case,wet your enchanting eyes,couldn't you atleast realise the shiver in my voice,the pain behind those silent talks??? Is it too much to expect or was i never allowed to!!! They say,never expect from anyone other than yourself because there are no guarantees in life and the pain of knowing that someone you expected from could not or did not do it is not too easy to handle. there are no consolations in that heart shattering moment of truth. They say,expect only of oneself, so that when you find yourself unable to accomplish what you expected, you may strive harder to achieve it and thus be spurned on the path to excellence. But I still cannot stop myself from having certain expectations. When I care for you and strive to make you smile, I expect you to honour the effort and atleast attempt a smile. When I try to keep you safe,I still expect you to try and stay out of trouble. When I put everything on hold to lend ears to your words, I expect you to speak your heart out. I donot wish you do anything for me, but tell me just, what is wrong in expecting that you accept gladly all that I do for you...

Vo yaadein...

Vo chahat anjaani thi

Ek lamhe ka vo afsaana tha,

Vo dhadkan deewani thi

Ek dil mera awaara tha,

Vo ladki to begaani thi

Rishta par jaana pehchaana tha,

Aj bhi baitha rehta hu aur yahi sochta hu,

Vo waqt bhi kitna haseen tha,

Jab har raat uske khayalon ki nishani thi,

Aur har din mera shayaraana tha....

Lafz to aj bhi beh jaate hain jazbaaton ke saath,

Bas aj khushi hai saari anjaani c,

Aur mehfil ki jagah hai ye tanha maikhaana sa....

kabhi jo us shama pe jalta tha parwaana sa,

Aj thokron me rehta hai saari dunia se begaana sa

...

Expression

All my life I have been weak at this. Expressing what I really feel has never been easy for me. Most of the times I keep thinking about what the other person might feel after I express what's been brewing inside me. And most of these times I have felt that I might hurt the other person so I decided to better stay put. It isn't really that easy all the times. Sometimes what I wanted to say was too important to be hidden but still had to. Maybe that's my weakness. I would keep hurting myself at the cost of trying to keep a smile on the other person's face. But with time I have come to understand a lot different opinions about all of this. Now I know that love not expressed is no better than no love at all. If u miss someone and cannot let them know, its as good as not missing. Same is when u get hurt. If something hurts u and u cannot let it be known,u probably have no right to be hurt. If u think u cannot let the one who hurt u that they did so,u have got to be strong enough to let that past you.

All my life I have had problems with expression. The first time I had a strong feeling for someone I waited a lil too long to let it be known,so long that by the time I did it, I myself didn't know if what I wad doing was right. And that wait cost me dearly. Not that otherwise it would all have been different, but now I have no way of knowing. Just coz I waited too long to express my love. Well,whatever it was,it passed away. The second time something similar happened, I felt I had learnt from my earlier mistake well enough not to do the same again. But I was wrong again. I definitely had learnt that I had made a mistake but all to make the same 1 in a new way. This time I didn't even wait for the right time and hurried up to telling someone how I felt. And once again I paid the price. I not only failed badly in what I had gotten into but also lost a wonderful friend,never to find someone like her again.

These two mistakes were probably enough to let me know of the consequencies that I could face in both the cases,waiting too little or waiting too much.

Then u happened. U came out of nowhere and made me feel like I had never done before. Caring for u became something that I deeply enjoyed doing. Talkin to u became something without which my days seemed incomplete. Meeting u kind of became like a necessity. I cherished each and every moment spent for u,with u or thinking about u. I realised I was in love. True,deep,real,intense and something that was gonna change my life forever. But 1 thing is still the same,my weakness of expression. I cannot in any possible way let u know about how much I love you. U might (if u ever find out) wanna know why I couldn't do so. Well,just coz I feel that by letting u know I would be subjecting u to a pain that u neither deserve nor I could imagine inflicting on u. I know that u don't complement these feelings of mine. U do want to feel the love that I have for u but u have imagined in urgently head a face for that and that I m certain is not similar to mine. There is a different name to that and we both know what that is. U take me as urgently best friend and so do I. But I do feel that there is nothing wrong about falling in love with ur best friend. In fact,its the best feeling according to me. Best friends know each other so well,it would take almost a lifetime for two strangers to reach there if they wanted to be lovers. But sadly enough,i don't think that u believe the same,atleast not in my case. U even feel that I am too good at expressing,but that's just with my words,coz I know that I can play around with those words in such a way that I can say all I have in my heart and still make it almost impossible for u to understand that the 'u' in all those lines is actually u. The problem really is that I can write all this down but I cannot say it all to u. I am not that strong. I don't have the strength to c u walk away. All I can express here for now is that I do love you a lot,with all my heart but I dunno for how long I can hold onto myself. But till then all these feelings would stay buried in these words of mine. And I m gonna try my best to keep u as far away from them as possible. Coz I may have learnt from my mistakes but I still have got loads to work on to know how to proceed in the kind of scenario that I have gotten myself into. I hope that by the time I figure out a solution to my expression problem u ll bear with me.

I am just me...

I know that noone else can love you,take care of you and keep you happy and bring a smile on your face in a better way than i can...but that's not what this is about...had it been so,i would not have held back for so long...after all,it isnt easy for me too...i have been doing it all along cuz its all about with whom u wanna stay happy,with whom u wanna feel all that love,whose care u want...and wen it comes to this,there isnt much thought needed...its quite an easy choice for u...it has got to be him...coz watever i do,i always come second to him...u say we are best frnz...i accept that and there isnt a better reason i need to survive...but so is he...and probably a better frnd than me...the relationship that we share is kinda monotonous...coz since we hv been together,nt once did i hurt u so bad or irritate u enuf for u to be annoyed at me or shout at me...nt once did i feel bad or angered by anything u did or said,probably coz i have always been that sweet simple guy,who just wants to c u smiling,watever it takes...we have never fought so badly...i may have lead u to tears a couple of times but that too coz i just told u wat i felt was going wrong...and the guilt of makin those tears flow has been immense and u knw that too...since then,i have stopped lettin u knw even that...but with him,its different...u guys are much better frnz coz probably he is lively,cares about u,loves u a lot but dsnt frget that he himself exists..he annoys u in a way that he knws that even if u shout at him and ask him to leave u alone,either u ll run bak to him with an apology or he ll catch up...he has that confidence...maybe i lack that and i abstain from doin anythin risky for fear of loosing u...coz i knw that i ll never stop runnin up to u with an apology but am nt so sure that if ever i hurt u,u wud ever turn back and stop to listen...and i dun have the strength to c u gone even in a dream...i wud rather keep my feelings to myself and stay frnz with u and c u happy even if it means lettin u go with him rather than riskin it all and loosing the relation that we share...of course,it kills me to c u turn to him all the tym i need u...but i have got to keep my cool...coz its ur life...i can be there for u wen u need me and that i always ll...but i cannot really barge into ur life wen u need to be on ur own or u want to be in his company...maybe this weakness of nt being able to let u knw is my biggest adverse point...but wat can i do...my love fo u is stronger than anything else but sadly i myself am not strong enuf to fave the risk of seeing u gone...he maybe smarter than me,even better lookin,a livelier person and maybe u wud enjoy ur life more the way he makes u feel...but wat can i do,i cannot be him..all i can be is sm1 who loves u with all their heart...i am just me...

A new turn..

Decisions....so many to take n make...bt so few undertaken as n wen decided...all signs of the weakness...life here seems to have given me a second chance at this last mistake of mine...a chance to rethink my decision n maybe even revamp it cmpletely...from the look of things going on for now,it seems like i m gonna take the bait here n embark on a totally different decision...m not gonna leave now...maybe never ever of my own accord...i m gonna stay,fight,wid whomsoever i need to,me,u,us,the whole wide wide wrld or even life itself,if that is what stands in the way...m gonna change the way i have been living so far n thnking too...i have always thot i have fallen fr sm1 unattainable n dat too twice...cud have been true...but cud have been a cmpletely differnt thng altogether too...maybe they werent unattainable after all...maybe it was just wat i made myself c,thnk n make believe...maybe coz i was just afraid to try harder or maybe even coz i didnt knw wat exactly to do to get wat i had already cnvinced myself that i didnt really deserve,just desired...wth...hw cud i ever decide that i didnt deserve all f wat i felt cud have given me a motive to cntinue breathin...it isnt dat i didnt try hard enuf...i guess i didnt do a bad job at dat...bt so wat,i cud still have tried harder,tried till i either achieved my objective or perished in the attempts...bt i just simply decided to quietly perish away...y?..maybe cz i found it easier,simpler and more attainable...bt wat a shame on that too...even that i cudnt accomplish with total success...maybe that was His way of lettin me knw that i was just being an idiot n life had smthng more and even better in store for me...maybe that is why i found u...bt that was not the end f it,of the loser me...i went to decide that loving u was a crime just coz of a stupid reason...once again frcin upon me the fact that i had fallen fr sm1 unattainable...hw cud i decide that even before i had tried??i agree,n i still feel that there may nt be the slightest of similar feeling in u fr me...bt so wat...i was nt born wid love fr u in my heart...there were reasons,occasions n moments that bred it in me...even if its next to impossible fr the same to happen wid u fr me b4 it does fr sm1 else,but i cud still wait fr that to happen n till that doesnt,instead of just sittin bak n waiting fr life to screw me over once again,i cud try...try to be fr u wat u are fr me...i accept it may not be that simple a task,bt still i m nt gonna give up just fr d fact that smthng seems a lil too tuff to get..maybe that is what gives it the wrth...the effort,the failures n the efforts repeated,with greater strength n vigour...

CHANGES

Changes!!!you ask for what has changed and I, y!!..well there are many...I better let em stay this way...whatever it has been,I am still holding my ground like I did when it all began...I myt have taken a step further,but I never stepped back...there may not be reason enough to substantiate everything that is not the same but this I knw for sure...You just changed course...probably coz u were afraid...but I have an assurance...if ever ur course leads u bak to where u shud have been now...I am here..ll always be...coz for me there is no path widout u at the other end...I aint familiar with what u think it all to be,maybe this is what scared you away...but I want u to hear me out once...This is just me baby...its what I have forever been and I wud wanna keep me intact...have never been a fan of changes...all they have given me are more reasons for u to move away...n whether u accept the facts or not,knowingly or unitentionally,you have been the one bringing about these changes...slowly,gradually...hoping that they wud pass unnoticed...sadly enuf,for me,everything was just perfect in the beginning...n wen u pull out something from something so beautifully perfect,even the smallest of changes get magnified...but dun u wrry at all...I still aint complaining...coz I can go on wid nythng that makes u feel better,nythng that lets u sleep at night,nythng that takes away ur fears and everything that keeps u away from tears...so I just gotta accept all of this and let it all move on like it is for now coz change or no change,problems are bound to pop up...coz I have discovered the truth that however hard u may try,there isnt anythng like a perfect relationship forever...I just hope our doesnt succumb to these CHANGES!!!!

bak after a long tym....

I will never know myself until I do this on my own,
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed,
I will never be anything till I break away from me.
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong....

Sweet Surrender...

I am not giving up on you now...never will...I am gonna fight for you...as hard as it may be,as long as it takes and as far as it goes...but I m not backing down...

M hangin by a thread and I can c a knife in ur hands...so just reach out for it and set me free...coz my hands are slippin,tired of holdin on and I wud rather have U push me off the cliff than fall off tryin to balance on the edge...

Shutting me out won't help u much...u wud need a bullet through my head to get away from me....

A Night to remember!!!

Its working...watever it is that u r tryin to do...u r movin away n i am losing u...I can't see what's coming next...coz losing you is like somebody just turned all the lights off...can't see at all...

I'll be doing this one last time...just for my word...and after dat z over, I'll disappear...forever...

t was reason the first time,and during the second all i lacked was time...and the third tym now I have commited a crime...but still i took the plunge each time...n with a similar outcome once again...there is no lookin bak n no path to survival as well...just a road to the end that is vanishin quickly beneath my feet...

The feeling z nu,n its rippin me thru...The pain is risin too,n there z nuthin i can do...Its makin me do stuff that i never wanted to...I just wanna say it out that the reason is YOU...

When u never intended to return,shud never have askd me to wait...coz fr me the time held still n m still holding on....unaware of the fact that u even frgot about my very existence...atleast u cud hv askd me to let go...so that this heart wud have rested in peace ever since and not be clinging to nothingness...

hAS reDIsCOverED...love,life n me...n yet has found nothin different...its all d same...

needs to mend the cHInk iN thE aRMouR...before it takes the whole guard down...

Is aDdicTEd...and is running short of his survival drug...should have known how painful it could be...

Therez much more to me than u cud ever perceive...but i really had no clue that the wall of ur ignorance wud go on to be so high that even the shattering f my heart wud fail to reach ur ears...but watever it was it taught me the 1 thng I shud hve realised a lot earlier,,dat all ur words were hollow just like my dreamz turned to be...

Is TraNSfOrMEd....aLL thanks to the ignorance and neglect you provided me with...

If I could just disappear,would you ever feel the change???

Its the final phase of the transformation...I know that you may not like the result!!! but to hell with your liking...If you couldn't like the earlier version,I don't care even if u hate the new one...

If you really thought that your ignorance could break me down, well you were quite right...Twas the last time that i tried but if this is how you want it, don't worry, m gonna survive...

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are.

He climbed to the top,stayed there for a while,weighed his options,debated with his head and heart.It was a fierce battle between reasoning and feelings,went on for quite some time. There was bloodshed,all his own,by his own. Finally the emotions drowned all logic and made him take the fatal plunge. He knew he would no...t rise from this but that was destined to be.He had a glorious run but ,The end of The Writer.R.I.P.

I waited,waited and am waiting...but its been so long since I started that sometimes I forget the reason I have been holding on...

If you didn't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow.... :)

Aapke saaye me rehne ki yu aadat c ho gayi thi k ab namumkin sa lagta hai akele reh paana,
nadaan tha main jo bhula baitha k apna to dastoor hi hai hamesha tanha reh jaana...

I dun want u to leave...i just wish u wud stay forever...just so that i have smthng to wait for...smthng i know myt never come true...but smthing i cn always dream about...so that i could have a reason to hope,a reason to pray,a reason to love,a reason to live,a reason for me to do everything that i do...a reason to just be me...

I've been hurt and I've been scarred,at least I know that I'm alive,and if I Fall and Crash and Burn,at least we both know that I tried...

Its not that I am a fan of the open wounds or that I relish this pain...It was all for LOVE...It always was...forever will be...

My words are all that i have...like em or hate em...they ll still say what i put them together for...n thats something that I can call my own,thats probably the one thing u can never take away from me...

The FRUSTRATION over the COMPLICATION that lead to this SEPARATION transformed into DEPRESSION that further made me take this DECISION...I m gonna let go...

I loved u a lot...I guess it just fell a lil short...

If I cud care so much for u and ur smiles,I think I deserved the right to atleast expect u to understand the pain behind my "I m fine"s, the tears beneath the shiver in my voice and my wish for u to stay,each time u said gud-bye...Was it too much for u or was i never allowed to expect??