I am just me...

I know that noone else can love you,take care of you and keep you happy and bring a smile on your face in a better way than i can...but that's not what this is about...had it been so,i would not have held back for so long...after all,it isnt easy for me too...i have been doing it all along cuz its all about with whom u wanna stay happy,with whom u wanna feel all that love,whose care u want...and wen it comes to this,there isnt much thought needed...its quite an easy choice for u...it has got to be him...coz watever i do,i always come second to him...u say we are best frnz...i accept that and there isnt a better reason i need to survive...but so is he...and probably a better frnd than me...the relationship that we share is kinda monotonous...coz since we hv been together,nt once did i hurt u so bad or irritate u enuf for u to be annoyed at me or shout at me...nt once did i feel bad or angered by anything u did or said,probably coz i have always been that sweet simple guy,who just wants to c u smiling,watever it takes...we have never fought so badly...i may have lead u to tears a couple of times but that too coz i just told u wat i felt was going wrong...and the guilt of makin those tears flow has been immense and u knw that too...since then,i have stopped lettin u knw even that...but with him,its different...u guys are much better frnz coz probably he is lively,cares about u,loves u a lot but dsnt frget that he himself exists..he annoys u in a way that he knws that even if u shout at him and ask him to leave u alone,either u ll run bak to him with an apology or he ll catch up...he has that confidence...maybe i lack that and i abstain from doin anythin risky for fear of loosing u...coz i knw that i ll never stop runnin up to u with an apology but am nt so sure that if ever i hurt u,u wud ever turn back and stop to listen...and i dun have the strength to c u gone even in a dream...i wud rather keep my feelings to myself and stay frnz with u and c u happy even if it means lettin u go with him rather than riskin it all and loosing the relation that we share...of course,it kills me to c u turn to him all the tym i need u...but i have got to keep my cool...coz its ur life...i can be there for u wen u need me and that i always ll...but i cannot really barge into ur life wen u need to be on ur own or u want to be in his company...maybe this weakness of nt being able to let u knw is my biggest adverse point...but wat can i do...my love fo u is stronger than anything else but sadly i myself am not strong enuf to fave the risk of seeing u gone...he maybe smarter than me,even better lookin,a livelier person and maybe u wud enjoy ur life more the way he makes u feel...but wat can i do,i cannot be him..all i can be is sm1 who loves u with all their heart...i am just me...

A new turn..

Decisions....so many to take n make...bt so few undertaken as n wen decided...all signs of the weakness...life here seems to have given me a second chance at this last mistake of mine...a chance to rethink my decision n maybe even revamp it cmpletely...from the look of things going on for now,it seems like i m gonna take the bait here n embark on a totally different decision...m not gonna leave now...maybe never ever of my own accord...i m gonna stay,fight,wid whomsoever i need to,me,u,us,the whole wide wide wrld or even life itself,if that is what stands in the way...m gonna change the way i have been living so far n thnking too...i have always thot i have fallen fr sm1 unattainable n dat too twice...cud have been true...but cud have been a cmpletely differnt thng altogether too...maybe they werent unattainable after all...maybe it was just wat i made myself c,thnk n make believe...maybe coz i was just afraid to try harder or maybe even coz i didnt knw wat exactly to do to get wat i had already cnvinced myself that i didnt really deserve,just desired...wth...hw cud i ever decide that i didnt deserve all f wat i felt cud have given me a motive to cntinue breathin...it isnt dat i didnt try hard enuf...i guess i didnt do a bad job at dat...bt so wat,i cud still have tried harder,tried till i either achieved my objective or perished in the attempts...bt i just simply decided to quietly perish away...y?..maybe cz i found it easier,simpler and more attainable...bt wat a shame on that too...even that i cudnt accomplish with total success...maybe that was His way of lettin me knw that i was just being an idiot n life had smthng more and even better in store for me...maybe that is why i found u...bt that was not the end f it,of the loser me...i went to decide that loving u was a crime just coz of a stupid reason...once again frcin upon me the fact that i had fallen fr sm1 unattainable...hw cud i decide that even before i had tried??i agree,n i still feel that there may nt be the slightest of similar feeling in u fr me...bt so wat...i was nt born wid love fr u in my heart...there were reasons,occasions n moments that bred it in me...even if its next to impossible fr the same to happen wid u fr me b4 it does fr sm1 else,but i cud still wait fr that to happen n till that doesnt,instead of just sittin bak n waiting fr life to screw me over once again,i cud try...try to be fr u wat u are fr me...i accept it may not be that simple a task,bt still i m nt gonna give up just fr d fact that smthng seems a lil too tuff to get..maybe that is what gives it the wrth...the effort,the failures n the efforts repeated,with greater strength n vigour...

CHANGES

Changes!!!you ask for what has changed and I, y!!..well there are many...I better let em stay this way...whatever it has been,I am still holding my ground like I did when it all began...I myt have taken a step further,but I never stepped back...there may not be reason enough to substantiate everything that is not the same but this I knw for sure...You just changed course...probably coz u were afraid...but I have an assurance...if ever ur course leads u bak to where u shud have been now...I am here..ll always be...coz for me there is no path widout u at the other end...I aint familiar with what u think it all to be,maybe this is what scared you away...but I want u to hear me out once...This is just me baby...its what I have forever been and I wud wanna keep me intact...have never been a fan of changes...all they have given me are more reasons for u to move away...n whether u accept the facts or not,knowingly or unitentionally,you have been the one bringing about these changes...slowly,gradually...hoping that they wud pass unnoticed...sadly enuf,for me,everything was just perfect in the beginning...n wen u pull out something from something so beautifully perfect,even the smallest of changes get magnified...but dun u wrry at all...I still aint complaining...coz I can go on wid nythng that makes u feel better,nythng that lets u sleep at night,nythng that takes away ur fears and everything that keeps u away from tears...so I just gotta accept all of this and let it all move on like it is for now coz change or no change,problems are bound to pop up...coz I have discovered the truth that however hard u may try,there isnt anythng like a perfect relationship forever...I just hope our doesnt succumb to these CHANGES!!!!

bak after a long tym....

I will never know myself until I do this on my own,
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed,
I will never be anything till I break away from me.
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong....

Sweet Surrender...

I am not giving up on you now...never will...I am gonna fight for you...as hard as it may be,as long as it takes and as far as it goes...but I m not backing down...

M hangin by a thread and I can c a knife in ur hands...so just reach out for it and set me free...coz my hands are slippin,tired of holdin on and I wud rather have U push me off the cliff than fall off tryin to balance on the edge...

Shutting me out won't help u much...u wud need a bullet through my head to get away from me....

A Night to remember!!!

Its working...watever it is that u r tryin to do...u r movin away n i am losing u...I can't see what's coming next...coz losing you is like somebody just turned all the lights off...can't see at all...

I'll be doing this one last time...just for my word...and after dat z over, I'll disappear...forever...

t was reason the first time,and during the second all i lacked was time...and the third tym now I have commited a crime...but still i took the plunge each time...n with a similar outcome once again...there is no lookin bak n no path to survival as well...just a road to the end that is vanishin quickly beneath my feet...

The feeling z nu,n its rippin me thru...The pain is risin too,n there z nuthin i can do...Its makin me do stuff that i never wanted to...I just wanna say it out that the reason is YOU...

When u never intended to return,shud never have askd me to wait...coz fr me the time held still n m still holding on....unaware of the fact that u even frgot about my very existence...atleast u cud hv askd me to let go...so that this heart wud have rested in peace ever since and not be clinging to nothingness...

hAS reDIsCOverED...love,life n me...n yet has found nothin different...its all d same...

needs to mend the cHInk iN thE aRMouR...before it takes the whole guard down...

Is aDdicTEd...and is running short of his survival drug...should have known how painful it could be...

Therez much more to me than u cud ever perceive...but i really had no clue that the wall of ur ignorance wud go on to be so high that even the shattering f my heart wud fail to reach ur ears...but watever it was it taught me the 1 thng I shud hve realised a lot earlier,,dat all ur words were hollow just like my dreamz turned to be...

Is TraNSfOrMEd....aLL thanks to the ignorance and neglect you provided me with...

If I could just disappear,would you ever feel the change???

Its the final phase of the transformation...I know that you may not like the result!!! but to hell with your liking...If you couldn't like the earlier version,I don't care even if u hate the new one...

If you really thought that your ignorance could break me down, well you were quite right...Twas the last time that i tried but if this is how you want it, don't worry, m gonna survive...

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are.

He climbed to the top,stayed there for a while,weighed his options,debated with his head and heart.It was a fierce battle between reasoning and feelings,went on for quite some time. There was bloodshed,all his own,by his own. Finally the emotions drowned all logic and made him take the fatal plunge. He knew he would no...t rise from this but that was destined to be.He had a glorious run but ,The end of The Writer.R.I.P.

I waited,waited and am waiting...but its been so long since I started that sometimes I forget the reason I have been holding on...

If you didn't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow.... :)

Aapke saaye me rehne ki yu aadat c ho gayi thi k ab namumkin sa lagta hai akele reh paana,
nadaan tha main jo bhula baitha k apna to dastoor hi hai hamesha tanha reh jaana...

I dun want u to leave...i just wish u wud stay forever...just so that i have smthng to wait for...smthng i know myt never come true...but smthing i cn always dream about...so that i could have a reason to hope,a reason to pray,a reason to love,a reason to live,a reason for me to do everything that i do...a reason to just be me...

I've been hurt and I've been scarred,at least I know that I'm alive,and if I Fall and Crash and Burn,at least we both know that I tried...

Its not that I am a fan of the open wounds or that I relish this pain...It was all for LOVE...It always was...forever will be...

My words are all that i have...like em or hate em...they ll still say what i put them together for...n thats something that I can call my own,thats probably the one thing u can never take away from me...

The FRUSTRATION over the COMPLICATION that lead to this SEPARATION transformed into DEPRESSION that further made me take this DECISION...I m gonna let go...

I loved u a lot...I guess it just fell a lil short...

If I cud care so much for u and ur smiles,I think I deserved the right to atleast expect u to understand the pain behind my "I m fine"s, the tears beneath the shiver in my voice and my wish for u to stay,each time u said gud-bye...Was it too much for u or was i never allowed to expect??

The journey..

It has begun...the last journey...it is gonna lead me to the end finally..there is no stoppin me now...i am goin on strong...the path is leadin me on...i have all smiles on my face..noone is to ever know what is actually going behind these sparkling eyes,these fake laughs....

All eyes are shut for the time...everyone in sleep,lost on their dreams while i sit here and type..there is nothing like sleep in these eyes... All i cn see now is how close m to the end..i sit back and reflect on the path traversed so far...it was a rocky path...filled wid all kinds of hurdles and roadblocks...i crossed some wid ease while some left me bruised nd bleeding...sometimes the pain was strong enough to leave d corners of my eyes moistened...but i still welcomed all those wid a smile..coz i knew that there was no point in crying for the lost blood...many a times hope shined through the dark clouds of despair,a promising light,that i felt would lead me to something called happiness...but i should have known it well,illusions are always there on a path to draw 1 away from it...i just should have taken more care...but whatever happened,i got distracted,fell on the way,i was always back on the journey,limping at times,crawling at some,n even sprinting at many....i look around now,its all darkness...no light...just far reaching darkness..

There are so many people around but noone knows or feels my absence...well that gives me the satisfaction that noone will be missin me wen m gone,,,that makes it so much easier for me to go ahead with my decision...not that everyone matters to me here...but i did feel that i had made atleast that much of a difference in atleast one person's life that atleast a tear cud be expected on my departure...the one person that has lead me to take this decision...

A new day has begun...we all are off to pray...i am gonna pray to the almighty to just gimme enough strength to bear wid dis pain amd to carry forward this decision of mine...its not that easy for me...each moment feels like a mountaineering task...even when she z by my side,sitting next to me,feels she is far fetched n the feelin of telling her how much i care but still not being able to tell her how deep those feelings go even makes the breathing next to impossible...each moment now,i just want this crisis to end...people despise me,say that i dunno how to enjoy,how to live life...they could be ryt but what do i do??my life has become so complicated in itself...the reasons that light me up are not the same as all others...i m a different person,not all good i know but there are reasons behind these periods of silence...whenever this weakling grows too filled with emotions and words that cannot be expressed,i have to go quiet...u could stay away from me for i am so or cud just try to understand what these silent eyes are trying to say..either way u are gonna be far far away from me...so i wud prefer u take the first path...coz there atleast u wud not be alone...n also u wud not have to feel what i am going thru...even though its gonna be harder for me till the end but still,i can get thru dis too...today i am gonna pray...pray for strength...for me to cross over easily n quickly n for u to forget dat i ever existed just like a day old news that never matters...i am gonna pray for all who could be affected by this step of mine...

The memoirs...

Its getting harder for me now each day. I am not a strong person. I dunno how i am holding on to life. It has never been easy for me. This small heart of mine is too weak now. The first time i faultered,it cost me a lot,two precious years of this life. I sometimes wonder that i came out alive out of the storm that came into my life with the feelin of love for A. I kept quiet for two years,keepin my feelings from the one person whom i wanted to talk to the most in the entire world. Cannot actually tell what all it took out f me. The pain of being completely helpless in such a situation multiplied each moment,there was no consolation,nthng to relieve me of it. But somehow i got out f it alive,all battered and bruised bt still standing. Then finally i told her about it but nothing worked out,just as i had expected. We became friends,but it stopped there. I had always known that it wud be a miracle if ever we were together,though i always prayed for it. But there was somwhere,something inside of me that always told me that i was being a complete idiot but i loved being that idiot,crazily in love with someone for whom my existence would also not have mattered. Slowly and slowly i began to realise that i had to get away from this. I built a wall around me with a decision never to love anyone ever again in life. I felt it was easier to stay alone than to fall in love again. Probably i was wrong but still,it seemed possible to live easily. Them came along B. The second mistake of my life. I guess whatever happened with her was just bcoz probably my heart was on the lookout for an escape route from all the pain that i was trying to contain inside it. I overestimated its strength. But it did what it had to,to get rid of the suffering. It loved again,thinking that maybe this wud act as a pain reliever forever. Little did it know that it was just throwing caution to the winds and that the result of this too had to be similar to what had happened in the past. And it happened again. Just like i knew it would. This time the difference was that the pain came after expressing what my heart felt. For sometime after it did feel that probably all will be well and what happened was just a stumbling block. But no,the worst was to happen. And it did. The pain now was too great. What i cud not explain to this weakling was that the first disaster was my fault,whose fault was it this time. There was immense suffering,but all well hidden. Little did anyone around me know about what i was going through. I decided to revert back to my decision. The heart had now weakened too much and i knew that it wud never be able to survive any such blow again,even if its of a negligible magnitude,leave aside the chances of recovery from all of this. There was too little strength remaining within. But i had made my decision and could not back down from it at any cost. So i set out once again. This time the wall that i built was thicker and taller thought i doubt whether it was stronger. I did the best i could wid the available resources and whatever that was left of the thing called strength. Anyhow i did it. In some time the wall was in place and i felt safer. Then you came in. I started to feel happy. I felt the wekness in the heart beginning to shed. The strength started returning a lil each time. The process was slow but it was happening. But in this joy i forgot to take care of and repair the wall. Slowly and slowly it kept getting weaker but i never realised it. it was you that i shared everything with. Those lil smiles, gestures of care and affection did help to return the strength but they acted like dynamites on the wall. U always asked me to shed my decision to stay alone,to get rid of the wall. I gave you my reasons to having built it in the first place not knowing that at the same time,it was falling,brick by brick n was completely reduced to rubble in no time. That was the third biggest mistake of my life. As soon as the wall was down,the heart with the lil renewed strength found you. But it did not quite understand all that it saw. It had stayed away from love and affection for long. So it just saw what it wanted to n again did what it had to. And that was where i faultered miserably once again. Now i love you and that too so immensely like i have never done before. I tell u everything,keeping just this lil secret from u. I have my reason for this and i know that whatever happens,i have gotta hold strong now. Coz i know m a weak person.I donot have the strength to tell you what i feel because i know,even though i regained some strength for my heart,its still not strong to handle the blow that it wud get in return for telling u this. I dun have the strength to move away from you either. Whatever i do now,its gonna lead me to an end,a painful bloodshed,all mine only and by me only. So i m gonna do nothing for now n let thngs take their own course. I know that you have been wondering over my erratic behavior in d recent times. Well all this is the reason for it and i knw m never gonna let u in on any of this,but still,i thnk u wud understand if u knew.

D latest ones...

There is quite a lil difference between what i wish FOR u and what i wish FROM u...cz all i wish for u is to be FINE forever and all i wish from u is to be MINE forever...

U cud have a hundred different reasons to hate me....but dere will always be the one guud reason not to!!!Its LOVE...mine for u...unparalleled...unnoticed and unending...now,ever and forever...

The least I xpectd f u ws 2 respect my feelings...I understood it quite wel wen u cudnt value dem,”u cn nvr frce sm1 2 feel d same way u do fr dem”...If nothing else,atleast u shud've remembrd dat dose feelings,they wer fr u...so wen u mock dem,do remembr dis,wid me u r makin a mockery of urself n ur self respect...n really,m glad nw dat things turned out the way they are nw...Thnx 2 u,nw I wnt mourn,rather I pity U…

I've

learned..I came alone n I ve to go alone..I've learned..Ppl are wid u

nly wen dey need u,nt otherwise..I've learned..Extra care f any1 by u

wil ultimately bring a blame fr u,nt appreciation..I've learned..A

simple lie f ur close 1 cn brk u more dn anything..I've learned..Its

hard to weep alone wen dere is no shoulder 2 support..ULTIMATELY,I've

learned..Help ppl bt nt beyond d point f ur dignity!!Dats lyf..

A dream...after ol d entanglements wid fate,seemed to b ma only escape route...wantd it to b a success,b it my last...but hw do I proceed??Each step I tread brings nytmares f d past,of d words unsaid,of d sights unseen,of d feelings not expressed...I hv yet to figure out wat z more achievable,pursuing my dream wid nightmares haunting my way ol along or letting go of d one last wish to achieve reality thru my words...

When the MAGIC in a

relation goes TRAGIC,know that its time to step back...even if it

hurts,especially when it does...

Ur ignorance hurts....but not cuz u didnt care...its coz u knew all along that I DID...

‎...And I almost had you, but I guess that doesn't cut it. Almost had you and I didn't even know it. You kept me guessing and now I guess that I spent my time missing you and I almost had you. I almost wish you would've loved me too.