I am just me...

I know that noone else can love you,take care of you and keep you happy and bring a smile on your face in a better way than i can...but that's not what this is about...had it been so,i would not have held back for so long...after all,it isnt easy for me too...i have been doing it all along cuz its all about with whom u wanna stay happy,with whom u wanna feel all that love,whose care u want...and wen it comes to this,there isnt much thought needed...its quite an easy choice for u...it has got to be him...coz watever i do,i always come second to him...u say we are best frnz...i accept that and there isnt a better reason i need to survive...but so is he...and probably a better frnd than me...the relationship that we share is kinda monotonous...coz since we hv been together,nt once did i hurt u so bad or irritate u enuf for u to be annoyed at me or shout at me...nt once did i feel bad or angered by anything u did or said,probably coz i have always been that sweet simple guy,who just wants to c u smiling,watever it takes...we have never fought so badly...i may have lead u to tears a couple of times but that too coz i just told u wat i felt was going wrong...and the guilt of makin those tears flow has been immense and u knw that too...since then,i have stopped lettin u knw even that...but with him,its different...u guys are much better frnz coz probably he is lively,cares about u,loves u a lot but dsnt frget that he himself exists..he annoys u in a way that he knws that even if u shout at him and ask him to leave u alone,either u ll run bak to him with an apology or he ll catch up...he has that confidence...maybe i lack that and i abstain from doin anythin risky for fear of loosing u...coz i knw that i ll never stop runnin up to u with an apology but am nt so sure that if ever i hurt u,u wud ever turn back and stop to listen...and i dun have the strength to c u gone even in a dream...i wud rather keep my feelings to myself and stay frnz with u and c u happy even if it means lettin u go with him rather than riskin it all and loosing the relation that we share...of course,it kills me to c u turn to him all the tym i need u...but i have got to keep my cool...coz its ur life...i can be there for u wen u need me and that i always ll...but i cannot really barge into ur life wen u need to be on ur own or u want to be in his company...maybe this weakness of nt being able to let u knw is my biggest adverse point...but wat can i do...my love fo u is stronger than anything else but sadly i myself am not strong enuf to fave the risk of seeing u gone...he maybe smarter than me,even better lookin,a livelier person and maybe u wud enjoy ur life more the way he makes u feel...but wat can i do,i cannot be him..all i can be is sm1 who loves u with all their heart...i am just me...

A new turn..

Decisions....so many to take n make...bt so few undertaken as n wen decided...all signs of the weakness...life here seems to have given me a second chance at this last mistake of mine...a chance to rethink my decision n maybe even revamp it cmpletely...from the look of things going on for now,it seems like i m gonna take the bait here n embark on a totally different decision...m not gonna leave now...maybe never ever of my own accord...i m gonna stay,fight,wid whomsoever i need to,me,u,us,the whole wide wide wrld or even life itself,if that is what stands in the way...m gonna change the way i have been living so far n thnking too...i have always thot i have fallen fr sm1 unattainable n dat too twice...cud have been true...but cud have been a cmpletely differnt thng altogether too...maybe they werent unattainable after all...maybe it was just wat i made myself c,thnk n make believe...maybe coz i was just afraid to try harder or maybe even coz i didnt knw wat exactly to do to get wat i had already cnvinced myself that i didnt really deserve,just desired...wth...hw cud i ever decide that i didnt deserve all f wat i felt cud have given me a motive to cntinue breathin...it isnt dat i didnt try hard enuf...i guess i didnt do a bad job at dat...bt so wat,i cud still have tried harder,tried till i either achieved my objective or perished in the attempts...bt i just simply decided to quietly perish away...y?..maybe cz i found it easier,simpler and more attainable...bt wat a shame on that too...even that i cudnt accomplish with total success...maybe that was His way of lettin me knw that i was just being an idiot n life had smthng more and even better in store for me...maybe that is why i found u...bt that was not the end f it,of the loser me...i went to decide that loving u was a crime just coz of a stupid reason...once again frcin upon me the fact that i had fallen fr sm1 unattainable...hw cud i decide that even before i had tried??i agree,n i still feel that there may nt be the slightest of similar feeling in u fr me...bt so wat...i was nt born wid love fr u in my heart...there were reasons,occasions n moments that bred it in me...even if its next to impossible fr the same to happen wid u fr me b4 it does fr sm1 else,but i cud still wait fr that to happen n till that doesnt,instead of just sittin bak n waiting fr life to screw me over once again,i cud try...try to be fr u wat u are fr me...i accept it may not be that simple a task,bt still i m nt gonna give up just fr d fact that smthng seems a lil too tuff to get..maybe that is what gives it the wrth...the effort,the failures n the efforts repeated,with greater strength n vigour...

CHANGES

Changes!!!you ask for what has changed and I, y!!..well there are many...I better let em stay this way...whatever it has been,I am still holding my ground like I did when it all began...I myt have taken a step further,but I never stepped back...there may not be reason enough to substantiate everything that is not the same but this I knw for sure...You just changed course...probably coz u were afraid...but I have an assurance...if ever ur course leads u bak to where u shud have been now...I am here..ll always be...coz for me there is no path widout u at the other end...I aint familiar with what u think it all to be,maybe this is what scared you away...but I want u to hear me out once...This is just me baby...its what I have forever been and I wud wanna keep me intact...have never been a fan of changes...all they have given me are more reasons for u to move away...n whether u accept the facts or not,knowingly or unitentionally,you have been the one bringing about these changes...slowly,gradually...hoping that they wud pass unnoticed...sadly enuf,for me,everything was just perfect in the beginning...n wen u pull out something from something so beautifully perfect,even the smallest of changes get magnified...but dun u wrry at all...I still aint complaining...coz I can go on wid nythng that makes u feel better,nythng that lets u sleep at night,nythng that takes away ur fears and everything that keeps u away from tears...so I just gotta accept all of this and let it all move on like it is for now coz change or no change,problems are bound to pop up...coz I have discovered the truth that however hard u may try,there isnt anythng like a perfect relationship forever...I just hope our doesnt succumb to these CHANGES!!!!