The journey..

It has begun...the last journey...it is gonna lead me to the end finally..there is no stoppin me now...i am goin on strong...the path is leadin me on...i have all smiles on my face..noone is to ever know what is actually going behind these sparkling eyes,these fake laughs....

All eyes are shut for the time...everyone in sleep,lost on their dreams while i sit here and type..there is nothing like sleep in these eyes... All i cn see now is how close m to the end..i sit back and reflect on the path traversed so far...it was a rocky path...filled wid all kinds of hurdles and roadblocks...i crossed some wid ease while some left me bruised nd bleeding...sometimes the pain was strong enough to leave d corners of my eyes moistened...but i still welcomed all those wid a smile..coz i knew that there was no point in crying for the lost blood...many a times hope shined through the dark clouds of despair,a promising light,that i felt would lead me to something called happiness...but i should have known it well,illusions are always there on a path to draw 1 away from it...i just should have taken more care...but whatever happened,i got distracted,fell on the way,i was always back on the journey,limping at times,crawling at some,n even sprinting at many....i look around now,its all darkness...no light...just far reaching darkness..

There are so many people around but noone knows or feels my absence...well that gives me the satisfaction that noone will be missin me wen m gone,,,that makes it so much easier for me to go ahead with my decision...not that everyone matters to me here...but i did feel that i had made atleast that much of a difference in atleast one person's life that atleast a tear cud be expected on my departure...the one person that has lead me to take this decision...

A new day has begun...we all are off to pray...i am gonna pray to the almighty to just gimme enough strength to bear wid dis pain amd to carry forward this decision of mine...its not that easy for me...each moment feels like a mountaineering task...even when she z by my side,sitting next to me,feels she is far fetched n the feelin of telling her how much i care but still not being able to tell her how deep those feelings go even makes the breathing next to impossible...each moment now,i just want this crisis to end...people despise me,say that i dunno how to enjoy,how to live life...they could be ryt but what do i do??my life has become so complicated in itself...the reasons that light me up are not the same as all others...i m a different person,not all good i know but there are reasons behind these periods of silence...whenever this weakling grows too filled with emotions and words that cannot be expressed,i have to go quiet...u could stay away from me for i am so or cud just try to understand what these silent eyes are trying to say..either way u are gonna be far far away from me...so i wud prefer u take the first path...coz there atleast u wud not be alone...n also u wud not have to feel what i am going thru...even though its gonna be harder for me till the end but still,i can get thru dis too...today i am gonna pray...pray for strength...for me to cross over easily n quickly n for u to forget dat i ever existed just like a day old news that never matters...i am gonna pray for all who could be affected by this step of mine...

The memoirs...

Its getting harder for me now each day. I am not a strong person. I dunno how i am holding on to life. It has never been easy for me. This small heart of mine is too weak now. The first time i faultered,it cost me a lot,two precious years of this life. I sometimes wonder that i came out alive out of the storm that came into my life with the feelin of love for A. I kept quiet for two years,keepin my feelings from the one person whom i wanted to talk to the most in the entire world. Cannot actually tell what all it took out f me. The pain of being completely helpless in such a situation multiplied each moment,there was no consolation,nthng to relieve me of it. But somehow i got out f it alive,all battered and bruised bt still standing. Then finally i told her about it but nothing worked out,just as i had expected. We became friends,but it stopped there. I had always known that it wud be a miracle if ever we were together,though i always prayed for it. But there was somwhere,something inside of me that always told me that i was being a complete idiot but i loved being that idiot,crazily in love with someone for whom my existence would also not have mattered. Slowly and slowly i began to realise that i had to get away from this. I built a wall around me with a decision never to love anyone ever again in life. I felt it was easier to stay alone than to fall in love again. Probably i was wrong but still,it seemed possible to live easily. Them came along B. The second mistake of my life. I guess whatever happened with her was just bcoz probably my heart was on the lookout for an escape route from all the pain that i was trying to contain inside it. I overestimated its strength. But it did what it had to,to get rid of the suffering. It loved again,thinking that maybe this wud act as a pain reliever forever. Little did it know that it was just throwing caution to the winds and that the result of this too had to be similar to what had happened in the past. And it happened again. Just like i knew it would. This time the difference was that the pain came after expressing what my heart felt. For sometime after it did feel that probably all will be well and what happened was just a stumbling block. But no,the worst was to happen. And it did. The pain now was too great. What i cud not explain to this weakling was that the first disaster was my fault,whose fault was it this time. There was immense suffering,but all well hidden. Little did anyone around me know about what i was going through. I decided to revert back to my decision. The heart had now weakened too much and i knew that it wud never be able to survive any such blow again,even if its of a negligible magnitude,leave aside the chances of recovery from all of this. There was too little strength remaining within. But i had made my decision and could not back down from it at any cost. So i set out once again. This time the wall that i built was thicker and taller thought i doubt whether it was stronger. I did the best i could wid the available resources and whatever that was left of the thing called strength. Anyhow i did it. In some time the wall was in place and i felt safer. Then you came in. I started to feel happy. I felt the wekness in the heart beginning to shed. The strength started returning a lil each time. The process was slow but it was happening. But in this joy i forgot to take care of and repair the wall. Slowly and slowly it kept getting weaker but i never realised it. it was you that i shared everything with. Those lil smiles, gestures of care and affection did help to return the strength but they acted like dynamites on the wall. U always asked me to shed my decision to stay alone,to get rid of the wall. I gave you my reasons to having built it in the first place not knowing that at the same time,it was falling,brick by brick n was completely reduced to rubble in no time. That was the third biggest mistake of my life. As soon as the wall was down,the heart with the lil renewed strength found you. But it did not quite understand all that it saw. It had stayed away from love and affection for long. So it just saw what it wanted to n again did what it had to. And that was where i faultered miserably once again. Now i love you and that too so immensely like i have never done before. I tell u everything,keeping just this lil secret from u. I have my reason for this and i know that whatever happens,i have gotta hold strong now. Coz i know m a weak person.I donot have the strength to tell you what i feel because i know,even though i regained some strength for my heart,its still not strong to handle the blow that it wud get in return for telling u this. I dun have the strength to move away from you either. Whatever i do now,its gonna lead me to an end,a painful bloodshed,all mine only and by me only. So i m gonna do nothing for now n let thngs take their own course. I know that you have been wondering over my erratic behavior in d recent times. Well all this is the reason for it and i knw m never gonna let u in on any of this,but still,i thnk u wud understand if u knew.

D latest ones...

There is quite a lil difference between what i wish FOR u and what i wish FROM u...cz all i wish for u is to be FINE forever and all i wish from u is to be MINE forever...

U cud have a hundred different reasons to hate me....but dere will always be the one guud reason not to!!!Its LOVE...mine for u...unparalleled...unnoticed and unending...now,ever and forever...

The least I xpectd f u ws 2 respect my feelings...I understood it quite wel wen u cudnt value dem,”u cn nvr frce sm1 2 feel d same way u do fr dem”...If nothing else,atleast u shud've remembrd dat dose feelings,they wer fr u...so wen u mock dem,do remembr dis,wid me u r makin a mockery of urself n ur self respect...n really,m glad nw dat things turned out the way they are nw...Thnx 2 u,nw I wnt mourn,rather I pity U…

I've

learned..I came alone n I ve to go alone..I've learned..Ppl are wid u

nly wen dey need u,nt otherwise..I've learned..Extra care f any1 by u

wil ultimately bring a blame fr u,nt appreciation..I've learned..A

simple lie f ur close 1 cn brk u more dn anything..I've learned..Its

hard to weep alone wen dere is no shoulder 2 support..ULTIMATELY,I've

learned..Help ppl bt nt beyond d point f ur dignity!!Dats lyf..

A dream...after ol d entanglements wid fate,seemed to b ma only escape route...wantd it to b a success,b it my last...but hw do I proceed??Each step I tread brings nytmares f d past,of d words unsaid,of d sights unseen,of d feelings not expressed...I hv yet to figure out wat z more achievable,pursuing my dream wid nightmares haunting my way ol along or letting go of d one last wish to achieve reality thru my words...

When the MAGIC in a

relation goes TRAGIC,know that its time to step back...even if it

hurts,especially when it does...

Ur ignorance hurts....but not cuz u didnt care...its coz u knew all along that I DID...

‎...And I almost had you, but I guess that doesn't cut it. Almost had you and I didn't even know it. You kept me guessing and now I guess that I spent my time missing you and I almost had you. I almost wish you would've loved me too.

nu ones...

If u still dont get it, just frget it...

They say it becomes quite easy to loose anything wen you are surrounded by love....but what do I do if love is the 1 thing that I need to loose??

Tell me once how you really feel...for then i would be satisfied that my love was not all in vain...even if not love,atleast it made you feel something for me...let it be ignorance...

♥In love...all over again...with the moment...with everything around...♥

I tried so hard, I waited long enough,but you never let me love you...but now that i have accepted it all,why won't your thoughts let me love another??Why can't you just leave....completely....forever??

If only...U had looked a lil further,
If only...I had tried a bit harder,
If only...U had thought a lil deeper,
If only...I said it all a bit sooner,
maybe something could have been better...But there is no way to know...coz It all begins with an 'If Only'...

I try to talk to u,bt I dun knw wat to say.I m afraid u dun want
me to say anything.So I don't.Bt inside f me dere r wrds w8ng to cme
out.And tell u how I feel-like
how I miss u.And how I love u despite my
broken heart.And how I need u in my life.And especially how much I want u.But dose wrds may forever stay in my hea...rt-locked inside.Smtimes I wonder
if there are words locked inside u too..but I'll never know.

I guess i was wrong...to have loved you ...i think u were right to have said,"its not wrth waiting for"...
but does that matter??I think not...because...
For you i never existed and you are the only 1 I wished to exist for...

I need just 1 reason to let go...i wanna stop holding on...please gimme that 1 good reason to move on,coz it pains a lot to miss u since u hv been gone...

Stayin alone never hurts too much,what actually kills the insides of you is having to live with that feeling even with a crowd around you...just because that one person isn't around...that 1 person whose presence overshadows everything else...

Some more lines that i wrote and some that impressed me a lot...

Its still like the old times...'I' am here, 'YOU' are here too, the only difference being that this is not where 'WE' were supposed to be...

Each day is a realization that however hard I try,whatever I change,I will always be all that you don't want me to be...

The human life is made up of choices. Yes or no. In or out. Up or down. And then there are the choices that matter. Love or hate. To be a hero or to be a coward. To fight or to give in. To live. Or die. Live or die. That's the important choice. And it's not always in our hands.

'ME' ver 3.0.....

Some people not only expect opportunity to knock, they expect it to beat down the door....

A month filled with revelations,realizations and regrets....

It's not like you didn't know that I said I love you and I swear I still do....It must have been so bad 'Cause living with me would have damn near killed you...This is how you remind me Of what I really am...

Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep...Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars....Look at the stars fall down....And wonder where did I go wrong.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

Let the rain come down,,

And wash away my tears,,,

Let it fill my soul,,,

And drown my fears,,,

Let it shatter the walls,,,

For a new sun,,,

A new day has come...

If it's wrong to do what's right then tell me about this feeling inside...

If loving you with all my hearts a crime...

Then I'm Guilty....

I'm not calling for a second chance, I'm screaming at the top of my voice. Give me reason but don't give me choice. 'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.

If I had known this was gonna be so simple,I would have been here much sooner..:)

This silence hurts me more than anything you could say...

What if U were to know how I still feel???

What if I m the 'BAD GUY'???

I don’t feel like I am strong enough, ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome, And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away.

There z a lot that i wanna say to u,but the words that i have are too short for anything... All i can say is that i never meant to hurt u...

Those chocolate days....

Sometimes you have to leave behind all of your troubles and face the good parts of life because it’s better to look forward to something than to look back at all the pain.

I could wait forever, for that one moment when you would reach out for me and let me know that what i did was right...but all i need to know for now is that, will that wait ever be worth it??

Anyhow... I'm fine, I mean not that I'm over it, but little by little it's getting easier to pretend it's easier, which means easier might be right around the corner..

The desire

The desire to live,

The wish to survive,

In a moment so long,

Just for 'U' do I strive...

The pain to miss,

The tears that roll down my eyes,

I try to hide it all,

My face painted with smiles...

That moment of truth,

The 'U' missing from the 'US',

Ever since i realized,

The 'Me' never mattered less...

The attempts that I made,

The times I tried to end it all,

I wish at least 1 had gone through,

But looks like ending 'ME' isn't just my call...

Saaya..(a couple of lines that crossed my mind during my last xam)

Ik gumnaam andheri raat me,ik tanha sunsaan raah pe,

koi anjaan shaqs chalta hai,

Na use khud ki fikar,na hai koi jaan ka darr,

yuhi vo shaqs chalta hai,

Aankhen uski nam hain,saansen bhi madhham hain,

kuch aise hi vo chalta hai,

Koi manzil nahi jise paana ho,na koi rehne ka thikana ho,

akela vo chala jaata hai,

Ek saathi tha vo chuut gaya,ek sapna muqammal hoke tuut gaya,

lekar seene me ye gham,vo anjaana chalta hai,

Kucha ladkhadata hua, girta sambhalta,bejaan awaara,

vo shaqs chalta hai,

Na jaane kyu vo jaana pechaaana lagta hai,

duur se to koi deewana sa lagta hai.

Kareeb se dekhta hun to ehsaas hota hai,

ye to chand ki roshni me mera hi SAAYA mere sang chalta hai....